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  • D. G. Martin

I Didn't Ask for the Anal Probe


A slightly snowy backwoods area with a generic Drive Thru sign with an arrow pointing to the left.
Looks legit to me.

"You just go ahead and let me know what you want, and I'll have that right out for you, okay?"


"Uhh, okay. Like I said before, I want a double cheeseburger, hold the onions, a large order of fries, and a large iced tea."


"Okay, I heard your order, sir, but let me ask you this. Do you want me to to ahead and put your onion rings on your chicken sandwich for you, or do you like doing that yourself? Once again, it's completely up to you, because you're the one making the order. But I can do that, so I just wanted to offer."


"I didn't order any of those things. Did you get my order?"


"Your order? Yes, sir, I'm ready to take your new order. Should I cancel the strawberry milkshake and the mozzarella sticks? I can do that, but you'll have to put in another order to replace it."


"What?"


"Ahem. YOU'LL HAVE TO PUT IN ANOTHER ORDER IF YOU WANT ME TO CANCEL THE FAJITA CHICKEN SALAD AND TEXAS TOAST GRILLED CHEESE."


"Are you talking to me? I'm the car at the drive through ordering station. Maybe you're meaning to talk to someone who is ordering in the store, or you've activated your mic by accident?"


"Sir, I get what you're saying. Totally understand. You're just trying to make your order, pay for your food, and pick up your order from the drive thru window. But here's the thing. I have to know what you want in order to make that happen, so please, in as clear a voice as possible, tell me what I can get started for you today."


"Like I said before, I want a double cheeseburger with no onions, a large order of fries, and a large iced tea, please."


"Ya know what I like about the way you ordered those items just now? The please part. More people need to say please. If they did, I think the world would be a better place. 'Please' makes a huge difference. Thank you, sir, for your 'please'.


"Uhh, you're welcome."


"So let me read that order back for you to make sure you got it right..."


"To make sure I got it right?"


"Well, yes, sir. I want to make sure you know what you ordered in case you ordered something you did not mean to order."


"Okay..."


"Good. Now that why I'm doing this is out of the way, I can get to it. You aren't the only person in the drive thru line, you know, sir."


"I see that, but...."


"AHEM. So for your order, I have six chocolate chip cookies, nine small orders of popcorn shrimp, and a gallon of our made-in-house barbecue sauce to wash it all down. That'll be $47.55, and I'll see you at the window, sir. Thank you!"


"You're giving me the drive-thru herpes!"


"I'm sorry, sir, we don't screen for STI's through the drive thru window. You'll have to come inside for that."



D.G.

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