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  • Writer's pictureD. G. Martin

Objection Sustained

Giant hole dug into the earth.
From the earth it came. To the earth it returns.

"I'm in the cow ear business."

"Ah, cattle, eh?"

"Yeah, their ears."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm in the business of selling cow ears."

"Just the ears?"

"That's what I said."

"What about the rest of the cow? The meat, the other bits?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like, you use the rest of the cow, right?"

"Cows only have two ears. I can't sell any of the rest of the cow that's not the ears."

"So, you just sell the ears?"

"What part of this aren't you understanding? Yes, I'm in the cow ear business. I sell only the cows' ears."

"But, do you sell the rest of the cow to like a meat packing plant or something?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Because there's more parts of a cow than just the ears!"

"But I only care about the cow ear business, and let me tell you, business is good. If I could only find a few thousand more head of cattle every year, wow, what a business I'd be doing. And I..."

"Wait! Wait! Wait, just a second. Are you telling me that you chop the ears off of a cow, and then just throw the rest of the cow away?"

"Well, yeah. I have no use for the rest of the cow. Why would I keep parts of the cow I don't need?"

"What happens to the rest of the cow? Is there a field somewhere with just a bunch of earless cows?"

"Oh, goodness, no! That would be a terrible thing. And could you imagine the costs involved in taking care of earless cows until they die naturally? No, we kill them."

"Wait again, so you slaughter the cow anyway, and just chop off their ears. And then you do nothing with the meat and the other parts?"

"Oh good, you're finally getting it. I was afraid we'd be at this all day. Yes, that is how the cow ear business works."

"But...the meat could feed people."

"It could, yes, but that's not the business we're in."

"What happens to the rest of the cow?"

"Well, not that it matters, since we have the ears by this point, but we dug this huge hole out in the desert and just throw them into it."

"A hole?"

"Oh crap, do I have to explain to you what a hole is now!!?"


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